I’m terrified and I can’t even describe to full effect how or why I’m terrified. I actually found it difficult to sleep last night as my mind kept going on and on and on about the possibilities and what could or could not happen. You see, I’ve contemplated having another baby. I don’t know how seriously I’ve been contemplating it until last night when my husband asked if I would like to try to have another baby this year. The question actually stemmed from us making sure that we could financially handle baby number two and how our insurance would impact the timing, the latter of which I’m well aware lies within the good Lord’s hands.
I can’t really tell you exactly how I feel. I know that last night I was nervous at the thought of having another baby. After all, we’re in our groove now with Davey. Do I really want to start all over again with another one? I’m pretty sure I do, but it’s almost like deciding when or how to pull off that band aid. Do you do it fast and swift so that the pain is only brief, or do you slowly start doing it and then deal with the pain as it pulls off little threads of your skin? To me, making the decision to have another baby is like the pulling off the band aid analogy. I should just decide that now is the time I want to do it and just do it, right?
There are a lot of worries and fears I have. I worry about if I can take care of two children. Truthfully, I never thought I had it in me to take care of one. Why test fate by trying to see if I can take care of two? Questions keep swirling within my mind, some selfish and others are pretty legitimate. On the selfish end, it goes back to my vanity. I’m actually getting my body back to its pre-baby days. My stomach is flattening back out, my muscles are toning back up, and I’m feeling all around good about myself and my appearance. Do I want to give that up to have baby number two? I know it’s selfish.
Another concern I’m having is whether I’ll lose my sanity. I’m not a patient person. Becoming a mother has forced me to start developing that virtue, and it’s still not mastered yet. There are days, which you all know about, where I’ve literally wanted to run into my closet and lock the door and hide. I can’t do that. I can’t think that way. I’m a mother, for crying out loud, and if I want to bring another one into this world, then I need to nip this in the bud.
Concern number three has to do with Davey and his feelings. He’s been my life for the past 16 months. Every decision I’ve made, every sacrifice I’ve taken, every road I’ve walked down, he has been the one and only catalyst. He knows this and he knows that he is my world and that during the day, no one else comes before him. Do I have enough of “me” to give to another child? Do I have the ability to love two of them equally? What if I don’t have enough love? What if Davey starts feeling neglected? I honestly think this fear is weighing on me more than anything else.
Today, I’ve spent a good portion of the day delving into these rampant thoughts and fears of mine. To do it or not to do it? I like the idea of a large family, seeing as how I’m an only child (although I haven’t always been). I don’t have that ability of getting together with my siblings at Christmas or holidays or the weekends, just to catch up on things and let our kids play together. It’s a luxury I always thought I would have, one that I took for granted. I want Davey to have this. I want him to have brothers and sisters that he can play with, that he can grow old with, that he can have when his father and I have left this world. I want all of this, but can I really do it?
How about my readers out there? What sort of fears did you have when you became pregnant with your second, third, fourth children and so on? Do you have fears or concerns about having another baby even before you became pregnant? I can’t imagine I’m the only one who is going through this. I really need to just rip off that band aid, don’t I?