Perhaps neurotic isn’t the word I’m looking for, but I’m convinced that if it were a disease I could pass it onto my son during birth, almost like through osmosis. Maybe the amniotic fluid that he’s swimming in right now is full of a type of neurotic electrolyte that is passing into him and with each breath he takes in, those contaminated little buggers that will turn my poor child into neurotic mini version of me. And what’s worse is that I neurotic about being neurotic! Lord, is there any help for me?
This morning I woke up from an absolutely restful night’s sleep. As a matter of fact, it was so restful that I began to worry that something was wrong. Naturally, I can’t accept things as being good, forever the pessimist that I am, I always assume the worst. I walked into the bathroom to get a shower, turned on the hot water and then stripped down in front of the mirror. Yes, I do this! Yes, I am constantly inspecting every little part of my body especially now that I’m pregnant. For example, I’m convinced there’s a circle on my left breast. It almost looks like a bruise, but the circle is much too perfect. A geometric mathematician would be mesmerized at the perfect circumference of my boob circle! This morning instead of obsessing over this, which by the way it is still there and I plan on having my doctor look at it during my next appointment on Wednesday, I stared at my belly. Was it getting smaller? Am I losing weight? Is Davey no longer growing, or worse still am I no longer pregnant? I literally spent a good 10 minutes looking at every little part of my abdomen. It’s insane and the bad part about it is that I know it’s insane even when I’m doing it, but yet I still do it! Maybe that’s an addiction and not a disease, but can’t an addiction be classified as a disease as well? OMG! And here’s why it’s neurotic and spastic……I GO TO THE EXTREME, almost to the point of worrying my husband.
Most nights I wake up usually around 4 am and it’s not because I have to pee (that’s usually happened earlier in the night and I manage to stay asleep through that process), instead it’s because I’m thinking about what needs to be done at work, in the house, on my blogs, and then there’s the worry about Davey and what could go wrong with the pregnancy. Yes, that’s right, what could go wrong because for some really illogical reason I can’t program my brain to think about anything else except for what’s going to go wrong. Maybe it’s my way of preparing myself in case something bad DOES happen. It’s always been my frame of mind and here’s how I rationalize my pessimism. If I”m expecting the worst and it happens then I’m prepared, but if the good happens then, what an awesome surprise it is! Alternatively, if I’m expecting the best and the worst happens then I’m supremely let down. All of this compounds into the worst possible fear…….that I can pass this behavior onto my son! Do I need an intervention? Is there a class I can attend or maybe a NSA ( Neurotic Spastics Anonymous)? I suppose I’ll have to come up with another acronym center a center part of our government is already using NSA.
And then the thing that worries me as well, am I the only one who has this type of personality that frets over every little thing? Does it change after I have a child or does it become more amplified? And for those of you who are mothers and have personalities like mine, are your children that way as well? How do I let it go? Any by “it” I mean that part of my mind that has the anxiety driven neuron that causes me to turn into a personality that’s not exactly fun. Am I going to be able to let my child have a normal childhood or is my neuroticism going to cause me to be one of those overprotective, scary, and embarrassing moms? I certainly hope not since I once blogged about being a cool, hip, and fun mom!