Sleepless on a Sunday

It’s not really just because it’s Sunday that I’m sleepless. It’s starting to become a norm with me. I’m tired and exhausted by 9. I climb into the bed, read a book, or watch some repeat of Law & Order (the best show for insomniacs, it’s the echoing sound of the gavel/jail door closing). Most nights, I’m out like a light by 10, but the problem is that I’m usually wide awake again by 3. This morning isn’t much different, except for the fact that my body decided to wake me up a half an hour earlier. So, hello 230 Sunday morning!

My doctor told me to take over the counter Tylenonl PM at night to help sleep. Most every night I do this, but I think I’m becoming immune to its effects. I didn’t take one last night, but I really don’t believe it would have helped as every other night I’ve had one and no luck. Before I became pregnant, I don’t think I slept a lot anyways. I usually stayed up at night and would write, rise by 5 am to get in my morning workout and make it through my day with as much energy as if I’d had 8 hours of interrupted sleep. These days, I sleep about the same, possibly a bit more (or at least I did during the first trimester), but I’m exhausted during the day and eager to find a place to crawl off to nap. It’s becoming frustrating.

I attribute a part of my sleepless to the vivid dreams I’ve had since becoming pregnant. My husband comments that he doesn’t think my dreams are any different than they were before. He’s just jealous because I’ve always been able to remember my dreams. Last night, or I should say this morning, only a few hours ago, I awoke in a bit of a cold sweat spurred on by the worst dream I’ve had since becoming pregnant. First I should say, that pregnancy does have an effect on your subconscious and that dreaming happens a lot more frequently. My dreams before never really focused on one certain subject or time frame or anything like that. Now that has changed. Every night my dreams involve one of two subjects….babies and my brother.

Last night I awoke with a dream that I had been bleeding profusely and my husband rushed me to the hospital where Davey was born 2 and a half months early. I woke up and walked into his bedroom and sat for a few moments with a sense of worry and dread that I haven’t had before. Never once have I had the thought that something to this magnitude would go wrong. My fear took over this morning and since that point, I haven’t been able to fall back to sleep. So, I decided to leave my sleeping husband in bed and come downstairs.

Here’s the problem, though. In most cases, I’ll wake and fall back to sleep within a matter of minutes sometimes up to a half an hour. This morning, my mind is so active, that I can’t bring myself to even lie down and attempt sleep again. On the plus side, at least this is happening on a holiday weekend so I have time to possibly get caught back up before the start of my work week. And I guess the other reason I’m not allowing myself to fall back to sleep or even attempt it is because of fear. I’m afraid of my dreams now. I use to look forward to sleep and my dreams, but not anymore. I can’t wait until this passes as well.

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