I do my best to not have any regrets in life. When I look back on past experiences, whether they are good or bad, I try not to think about what could have been, what should have been, or what if. I’m finding myself in this same mindset these days especially with the sweltering hot days of summer rolling along. I suppose the first thing that triggered this mentality of me reminding myself that the past is the past and the future is a new adventure, has to do with my satellite radio, more specifically the station known as “Margaritaville”.
Last week as I drove to work, I heard one of my all time favorite songs. It’s a song I always play at the start of Spring and when I’m in the mood for a beach trip with a nice little rum punch on the side. That song is Bob Marley’s “No Woman, No Cry”. It must be the rthymic rolling of the reggae and steel drums mixed with my memories of summers when I was footloose and fancy-free. I admit that unfortunately these last few weeks I’ve started to feel a few pangs of regret at becoming a mother. It’s a selfish thought and I’m well aware of how it sounds for me to say these things. Trust me, I berate myself on a regular basis when these nastiest little thoughts enter my brain.
This week my husband and I are enjoying our last vacation as “just the two of us” by spending the week at my parent’s place at the beach. I spoke with him this morning about my thoughts and feelings, about how I miss the fact that he and I can’t just hop on a plane and go down to the islands anymore. I told him I feel so guilty about missing the ability to sit out on the beach, with a fruity concoction in my hand as I bask in the glorious rays of the sun. I told him I feel down because I can’t lie out in the sun like I used to and that this summer is the whitest I’ve seen myself ever. All of these small, perhaps minute little things that I’ve been able to do for so many years, things I took for granted and didn’t enjoy totally in the past, well, they’re now a part of the past. It makes me a little sad.
Then of course, I’m watching all the families out on the beach, the children playing in the sand, screaming as waves crash on shore and I get a new level of excitement coarsing through my body. I posted on my Facebook page before leaving that I was excited to be on vacation, but was more excited thinking about the one next year when this twosome becomes a threesome. One of my friends told me to enjoy my last solo vacation, because things will change next year. I’m sure they will and to what level I can’t know right now, but the more I’ve thought about it and focused on the new adventures awaiting next year, the faster my pangs of guilt and disappointment of longing for a past life seem to dissipate.
I’m still totally selfish and I don’t enjoy that about myself, and hopefully it’s not something I pass on to my son. I know my life is altering forever and that I can’t cling to the past as if it’s the only enjoyment I’ve ever had. Maybe it’s just my fears rolling in with the tide of change. Who knows? I have; however, been reassured that my thoughts and feelings are justified and that most if not all first time mothers have at least one point where they think about regrets and past lives. Unfortunately, it’s only slightly reassuring to me. I just have to continue looking ahead to the exciting and I’m sure far from mundane life that is awaiting me.