What I Dreaded the Most

After last night, I am leaning more and more to taking advantage of the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. What exactly happened last night that has propelled me into this decision? Basically my typical OCD, frantic, spazzed-out, worrying self.

This afternoon, my husband and I are flying up to Rochester, NY to visit his family. Normally, I’m already pretty stressed about travelling just because there’s the packing issue, the issue of making sure our dog is cared for, and the fact that I LOATHE leaving a house in disarray. I hate chaos. Last night, not only was my house in chaos, but so was my aura.

I found that I couldn’t focus on spending time with my son because I was stressed about all the packing that needed to done, the clothes that needed to be washed and folded, the kitchen that needed to be cleaned. I couldn’t enjoy my time with my child, because basically reality was stepping in and I didn’t like it! What I’ve dreaded the most about becoming a mother is feeling like I’m a bad mother and nothing made me feel more like that than last night.

I work all day, come home and then have a small window of opportunity to spend with my son before he goes to bed, then I have a very limited amount of time to actually get chores accomplished around the house. My life is disorganized, its chaotic, and I can’t function. I nearly had a melt down as I almost cried to my husband.

Want to know what’s worse? The fact that I acted like I’m doing this all on my own, which I’m not. I do have a husband. My son does have a dad. I have a partner in this new life and yet I’m refusing to see this. I’m being melodramatic and focusing on what I CAN’T do and how crazy my life is as opposed to thinking about what WE CAN do together to make our family life happy and harmonious. Have I always been this selfish and if so, I can’t let that mentality seep into my child’s brain. I don’t want him spastic and flying off the ledge like I do. This is what I dread most.

So, this morning as I’ve listened to the weather reports and heard that there is a high wind advisory for our flight, I’m taking a step back and trying to not stress about. I’m throwing in a positive spin. Hopefully this flight will provide good meat for my next blog.


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