Getting a full night’s sleep is a thing of the past. Being able to just up and leave the house, having a sense of spontaneity is no more. Taking a shower or a bubble bath in peace….sayonara, my friends. These are all things that I used to take for granted, things that I always thought I would be able to take advantage of (and, well, I DID take advantage).
There are days when I feel so exhausted that I can’t even move, but I find a way to continue to move forward, one foot in front of the other. There are days when I feel disgusted with myself, as it’s 4 o’clock in the afternoon and I’m still in my pajamas, hair pulled back in a ponytail. There are days when I just need to quickly run to the store, or even the post office, just to pick up one item, and it takes longer to pack up my son and the car than it does to actually accomplish the tasks at hand. I haven’t cried since the 2nd week he was born, well I cry about taking him to daycare and going back to work, not about any of the other superfluous stuff I mentioned before. And each day that he grows, I’m struck with the reality that is bittersweet….nothing lasts forever.
I won’t always be this tired. At some point, he will let me sleep through the night. I won’t always have an anxiety attack about taking a shower, as at some point he will be able to actually “tell” me when something’s wrong as opposed to crying all the time. I won’t always have to go through a big production when it comes to going to the store or post office, as at some point Davey will be able to put himself in the car when I say, “let’s go”. Everything that I once took for granted and desperately miss right now, will someday come back to me, but with that means my baby boy will no longer be a baby, hence the bittersweetness of it all.
There will come a day when I’ll treasure 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, but then I’ll think back on the fact that I won’t be able to pick him up and place his little head on my shoulders and rock him back to sleep. There will come a day when I won’t have to stress about my milk being enough to satisfy him, as he’ll be able to eat solid foods and can tell me what he wants. Unfortunately that means I won’t be able to feel his hand wrap around my finger while he feeds, or the way he nuzzles up to my body when he’s hungry. I’ll miss the fact that he puts his hand up to my lips and lets me kiss his palm while he eats. There will come a day when I will no longer be able to kiss his cheeks, nose, forehead, toes, and fingers without him squirming away from me.
So, I continuously remind myself to enjoy the nights when Davey wakes me and I’m the only one to soothe him because while it may be exhausting now, it won’t last forever and in the end I think I’ll miss my sacrifices more than I’ll ever know.