Less than five weeks remaining and I find myself looking back and reflecting.
When I first found out I was pregnant, September seemed like a lifetime away. I can recall many friends telling me that the time would fly by. I would laugh at them, roll my eyes, and say, “I wish.” Well, my mother always said, “be careful what you wish for.”
I had my last baby shower yesterday and while I had so much fun and am so grateful for the blessings bestowed upon me, including the wonderful friends and family I have, I am sad that this stage of my journey down Mommyhood Lane is coming to an end.
The anticipation over our son’s impending arrival has been more than my husband and I could ever imagine. For the two of us, we’ve built a much stronger relationship with each other, for the first time seeing things from not our own eyes. We’ve each taken a step back to realize that it’s no longer about the two of us, and as much as I thought that would be difficult (and yes it was the reason I always gave for not becoming a mother), I’m finding that what I thought was difficult is minor in comparison to what I’m experiencing now.
I’m more saddened by the fact that I will have to share my son with the outside world. I’m saddened at the thought that someone else will take him from my arms at some point and they will get to experience a side of his personality that for almost nine months has been exclusively between Davey and me.
We’ve shared our little jokes, as I’ve felt his nudges within the womb almost as if he’s responding with his own little giggle. He’s comforted me in my bad times, soothed me during my days of anger, and I suppose my biggest fear is that he’ll be doing the same for others. It’s a selfish fear and trust me when I say I’m more than excited to know (and yes I DO know) that his little fingers will wrap around someone’s fingers in a few weeks and he’ll light up their life the way he’s lit up mine from the moment I realized my husband and I created this little bundle of joy. I’m saddened because I know he won’t always be with me exclusively anymore.
One of my friends just had her first child yesterday. She and I spoke at length about some of the fears and worries we each have. Her fears seem to be reasonable and pretty much what almost every mother fears. She worries about how she’ll be when she is alone with the baby, after her husband goes back to work. Is it wrong to say that I’m looking forward to the days when my husband goes back to work and it’s just me and Davey? Some say this mentality will change, but I can’t imagine that ever happening. I can’t imagine not wanting to spend every waking moment of every day with my son. I suppose my biggest fear is that I’ll make him too needy of me, or not allow him room to breathe and grow.
I’m truly blessed to have this opportunity and I plan to continue to tell my son this everyday (he hears it from me everyday now). I just can’t believe how soon my time has already passed and it breaks my heart to know that soon I will no longer feel his movements, his kicks and somersaults. It hurts to know that my husband will no longer reach towards my stomach to feel his boy move or laugh like a child himself with Davey gives him a swift kick. We’re quickly reaching the end of the road with this leg of our journey and we have a lifetime of other roads to travel down, but I will truly treasure these days when I can say it was always just me and my son.