Being a mother has never on my list of priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-kids, I just didn’t think I really had it in me to be a mother. Of course, my parenting skills are still up for debate considering this will be my first child. I like to think I’ll be a fun and hip mom. Yes, I just used the term “hip”. Unfortunately, I’m not exactly well endowed in the patience department so I worry that my child may end up seeing crazy mom as I end up pulling a Tom Hanks from “A League of Their Own”. In case you’re unaware of the movie, Tom Hanks is a coach of an all girls baseball team during World War II. Hanks’ character, well to be blunt….HE HAS NO PATIENCE. There was a scene in the movie where the center fielder doesn’t throw the ball the cut off man, but instead decides to throw to home, which is a bit fat “no no”. The first time it happens, Hanks’ character yells at the player, which leads to his being ostracized by all the other players. Of course he sees the error of his ways and attempts to make amends. He agrees to not berate the center-fielder in front of everyone. He agrees that nothing productive comes out tearing a person down. So, the second time the center fielder messes up again, there’s Hanks, his face getting red, as his biting his tongue and shaking his hands at the player as if he wants to choke her, but he doesn’t. He takes a deep breath, ask the center-fielder what she should have done differently and then walks away. I picture myself being like this, holding my breath and counting to ten. Hopefully my poor child will see this as humorous and not be scarred forever. So, patience is definitely something I’m going to work towards.
I’m at the end of my 10th week right now. My due date is September 25th and for the most part I haven’t experienced the debilitating morning sickness that some of my friends have. What I have experienced, especially as of late, is an emotional tidal wave spurred on by exhaustion. And I ask how is it possible for me to be so exhausted? Yesterday was by far the worst and it is what led me to calling my baby, which I had originally dubbed “Butterbean”, a parasite.
I’m averaging approximately 8-9 hours of sleep a night, a lot more than what my poor body is used to getting. Tuesday night, I slept like an angel (do they really sleep? hmm.), but I managed to wake up on Wednesday morning feeling completed drained of any energy as if my body was hooked up to a vacuum that sucks out all of my life, and a headache that was causing my left eye to twitch. I went through the motions at work, every 3 minutes, I would yawn, my head would ache, and my patience would get shorter and shorter. I actually started becoming angry and for no other reason than the fact that I was tired. So, I finally made it to 5 o’clock where I promptly called my mother and sobbed like a baby about how tired I am and how unfair it is for my husband to do so much and how I’m convinced he resents me and how I can’t seem to keep track of anything that’s going on in my life right now. And then all of this seem to whirlpool into my biggest fear…..I’M GOING TO SUCK AT MOTHERHOOD!
Well, thank God, my mother calmed me, becuase when I arrived home, my wonderful husband was already cooking dinner. Seeing him in front of the stove slaving away (and for those of you who know my husband, you are aware this is not an anomaly in our household. My husband is the cook) brought about another roller coaster ride of tears, where I cried so much I felt a lump forming in my throat. I tried to tell him I was sorry for how worthless I am right now and how this parasite inside of me is killing me. I don’t think he understood exactly what I was saying. He understood enough to give me a hug and quickly make dinner. He’s a good man. Correction, he’s a great man.
Last night after dinner, I was in the bed by 7:45, an insanity in my house. I slept for over 10 hours, more sleep than I’ve had in ages and yet I still feel like I’m being sucked of every life force I have. I eat and I’m still hungry. I sleep and I’m still tired. I used to have amazingly whimsical ideas for my writing, but I’m convinced this parasite is even stealing my ideas. I’m all tapped out these days and even when I’ve felt like writing, all of my thoughts and ideas seem to magically disappear. Hopefully, that means this parasite, I mean baby, will be smart. Am I putting too much faith in my brain power? Perhaps.
Tomorrow is another day and one thing I’ve learned so far is that pregnancy means that nothing is ever the same. One day you’re high, the next day you’re low, but in the end it’s completely worth it. While I may joke about this wonderful little joy inside of me, I’m eternally grateful that God is giving me this opportunity. Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.