Wax On, Wax Off

Tuesday morning I awoke the same as any morning, just a bit more rested than usual, and that was only because I was in the bed by 730 on Monday thanks to a massive headache.   The shocking thing is that I managed to sleep the entire night on Monday, only rising once to go relieve the pressure of my bladder.   Truthfully, I anticipated a night of sleeplessness because I’m a worrier by nature.   You see, Tuesday was my next doctor’s appointment, only my 2nd one since I have become pregnant.  Doctor’s offices as a whole are unsettling for me.   I don’t go to doctor’s and that’s mostly because I’m never sick, but another reason is because I just hate sitting in those places.   Well, if you add my normal anxiety over doctor’s offices with the fact that I’m pregnant, then you’re getting a whole new monster, one that my gracious husband is the only one who can calm.  

Over the past few weeks I’ve started feeling like my old self.   My energy has come back, there has been no more nausea and on top of all of that I just haven’t felt fat and bloated.   I kept my worries and dismay quiet from my husband, there’s just no reason to alarm him because of my overly dramatic mind.  Honestly, I had begun to worry that I’m no longer pregnant, and going for my normal check up on Tuesday was making me more than anxious.   I wanted to go, because I wanted to hear everything was going beautifully, but I was also terrified of setting foot in the exam room.   I kept imaging my doctor looking at me, with sympathy and pity in her eyes, and telling me that I was no longer pregnant.   How was I going to handle that and worse still how was my husband.  This is the scenario that  has been playing in my head over the past couple of weeks.   I just haven’t voiced it to anyone.   All I can say is thank God for Tylenol PM and the fact that I was too exhausted Monday night to think, otherwise I wouldn’t have awoken so well on Tuesday.

My husband has attended the last two doctor’s appointments with me.   I’m not sure that he will attend every one of them, but I definitely want him there for all that are possible.  Tuesday I was a little afraid about him being there with me especially as we sat in the exam room.   My doctor took the small doppler type sonogram so that she could hear my baby’s heartbeat.   I laid back on the table, unbuttoned my pants and let her gel up my belly.   I cut a few glances over at my husband who was on the edge of his seat waiting for that tell tell sign that there was still a little life sustaining inside of me.  Well, after a few seconds of moving the doppler over my belly I began to worry.   There wasn’t a heart beat.   There was nothing there.   Of course, my doctor was quick to tell me not to panic.   And she tried again, pushing just a little harder with the doppler as she looked for a heartbeat.   I looked over at my husband, doing everything in my power to sustain the tears that were already starting to well up inside of me.   He wanted this child as much as I did.   He’s always wanted a family and he’s always been patient with me, waiting until I was truly ready to have children.   I thought more about how losing this child was going to affect him.   I had let him down.   I had taken away the most precious gift in the world to him.   How was I ever going to look at him again?  My  heartbeat started increasing and I immediately turned my attention back to the ceiling, not wanting to meet my husband’s eyes anymore.  I just couldn’t face him any longer.  

My doctor decided that her efforts were futile and that I was to get the full ultrasound.   Fortunately, my age means that these are not as expensive as women younger than me, in other words I can have more of these.  The sonogram technician encourage me to relax and not to worry.   After all I’m only 12 weeks and 2 days along (that was Tuesday, I’m 12 weeks and 4 days now) and sometimes the uterus can be twisted or the fact that it’s my first child means it can be difficult for them to really see the baby.   I took a deep breath already residing myself to what I thought was the inevitable….my husband and I were going to need to start over and it hadn’t been an easy road trying to get pregnant.   How much longer would we need to wait before the Lord blessed us with another opportunity?   I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable and within a matter of seconds I found my worries were pretty much worthless because there was the heartbeat we had been so desperate to hear before.  My eyes darted open and I looked at the screen in front of me and there it was……Butterbean!   I think my tears were more plentiful on Tuesday than they were the first time I actually laid eyes on the little blob that I first saw at 7 weeks. 

Butterbean has grown dramatically.   There’s a clear head, with a torso, and arms and legs, and even feet.   We can even see the nasal cavity on the ultrasound.   And at one point, this kid actually kicked its legs and karate chopped with its arms.  I had to laugh.   It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.   The technician left the doppler there for a few minutes and every couple of seconds we could see Butterbean practicing its best karate kid moves.   I think I’m going to actual enroll the kid in karate classes when it gets here.   As I watched my child on the screen, I found that I was willing myself to feel the movements.   Seeing them on the screen is one thing, but I’m desperate to feel the little nudge, or the swift kick.   I want to feel everything my child feels.   I want to experience Butterbean’s hiccups and reflexes.   I closed my eyes for a quick moment while lying on the table and begged God to let me just feel one little push, but alas I couldn’t feel a thing.   Either way, it really didn’t matter because Butterbean is an active little bugger!   And I couldn’t be happier. 

Unfortunately the downside with these doctor’s appointments being so early in the morning is that once I experience a little bit of Butterbean excitement I can’t concentrate on work any longer.   I just want to think about my precious piece of cargo, this absolutely wonderful being that my husband and I created, which is even more amazing.   We created this!   This child is a piece of me and a piece of my husband, a uniquely amazing being.   It has the best and worst of both of us and it is my soul.   I just can’t imagine not ever experiencing this in my life.   And I’m so thankful that the Lord decided to squelch my worries and fears on Tuesday. 

Here’s the latest picture of Butterbean.   Too bad we couldn’t get a video with the chop blocks of the arms and the roundhouse kicks (ok maybe they’re not that extreme).