Tag: motherhood

My Personal Deprecation

On By Doser3In Dreaming of Mommyhood - GeneralLeave a comment

This morning we had a wonderful experience with Davey. I have to admit the kid continues to surprise me and he NEVER ceases to amaze me. Today was no different.

While scrambling up a couple of eggs for Davey, he stood at the fridge where we keep his magnetic letters. I’ve worked hard with him to learn his alphabet, to recognize the letters, to say the letters, even if he doesn’t say them all in order yet. At one point, he started doing what I call “droning”, or perhaps it was just me. You see, we’ve become accustomed to him constantly “talking”; however, we don’t always know what he’s saying. I figured this morning was the same or maybe he was just talking to himself, something else he seems to do. It wasn’t until a few seconds later that it dawned on me what he was doing. He was pulling the letters off of the fridge and saying what the were. I was thrilled! I was so ecstatic that of course I called my husband.

My husband was so proud of Davey, even listening to him as he told his daddy over the phone what letters he was holding up. Of course, my husband had to just trust that Davey was picking the correct letters since he couldn’t see him. I was so excited I had to call another family member and tell that person as well. Before I go further, I’m not going to name that family member here. I don’t want to air out my or I should say “our” dirty laundry.

The family member picked up the phone after a couple of rings and I told them what Davey had just done. The response was far from the level of excitement I was hoping for. Maybe Davey’s behind at this point, but for 22 months, I think he’s doing very well being able to say his letters as well as recognize them.

I prodded and tried to encourage the family member by explaining that Davey is only 22 months old and wasn’t this just wonderful? The family member tells me that Davey is a busy body and that’s why he’s learning so much. Of course, I wanted to toot my own horn just a bit since I work with him relentlessly on a daily basis. My response, “Well, don’t give me any credit for it.” The family member’s response, “Hmmm. OK.”

Naturally, I’ve hit a downward spiral since the conversation this morning. I’m back to doing what I do best, self deprecation. Am I not doing a good enough job? Am I doing more damage than good by staying home with Davey? I’m really starting to think I am and it really saddens me because it makes me feel like I’m a failure.

There are a lot of other stay at home moms out there and I can’t help but wonder, are you guys in the same boat as me? Are you constantly feeling ridiculed by family members, feeling that you’re inadequate or that you just aren’t doing a good job? And if you are, what do you do? Wanna know what I did? I put Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on for my son and then came upstairs and cried.

I suppose I should just say “screw you” to that family member (which I would never be able to do) and be proud of my son. And I am proud of him. I’m very proud of him, I just can’t help but wonder sometimes if he could be more without me, do more without me. Am I holding him back?

It’s just another day in being a mother and maybe I’m weak for letting this family member get to me. I’ll bounce back, but I’ll still constantly wonder if I’m really doing a good job. I suppose that comes along with motherhood or maybe just my personality in general because even if I was a working mother, I’m sure I would be doubting myself and my choices.

A Relaxed Frame of Mind

On By Doser3In Dreaming of Mommyhood - GeneralLeave a comment

12 weeks on Friday. That’s Friday of THIS week, I should clarify. 12 weeks. Yep, that’s right, and what have I done to prepare for this latest addition? Nothing really.

I suppose it’s that I have the whole “been there, done that” mentality, but I’m not exactly going overboard with baby preparation. I’ve questioned whether this means I’m excited or not, and quickly decided to push that thought into the Never Never Land of Ridiculous Thoughts.

This past weekend, I reflected on my current pregnancy and compared it to my first one. I went back and read some of the blogs I wrote while expecting Davey, and wow what a narcissitic freak I was! Thank goodness that’s pretty much gone away. By this point in my first pregnancy, I was already mid-ways complete with Davey’s bedroom and I didn’t even know if he was going to be a boy. I decided to start out gender neutral and then to add more gender specific items once we found out the sex. With this baby, I’m pretty much just going to wait until AFTER I find out the sex. What’s the point of working on a nursery right now?

Maybe it’s that I’m just so much busier with Davey and being a stay-at-home mom, or maybe it’s because I’ve already rode this roller coaster or one similar to it, so it’s somewhat lost it’s luster. I’m finding that I don’t fret the little things, even though I’ve felt a LOT worse during this pregnancy. With my first pregnancy, if I felt bad, I was worried. Thoughts ran through my head about something being wrong with me or the baby. With this pregnancy, my feeling bad just means that everything is progressing and hopefully the baby is growing.

Yesterday, I went back to the doctor for a check-up. As we determined in the first pregnancy, my uterus is a bit, well, let’s say odd. The doctors can’t hear the baby’s heartbeat right now without doing an ultrasound. When I was pregnant with Davey, I nearly had a panic attack. I recall how sick I felt and how tears were rolling down my cheeks when the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. With this one, we had the same issue. The doctor (a different one from my last pregnancy) told me not to worry. I placed both hands behind my head and sat back and told him I wasn’t worried. We’d had this same issue before. Of course, we did the ultrasound and the baby was fine.

I don’t know if this is a normal state of mind for women who’ve had multiple babies, but I find it refreshing for me, especially since I’m a worrier by nature.

Let’s hope I can continue to think this way throughout the pregnancy.