A Familiar Sadness

I sat there in stone silence, both boys sleeping upstairs. I had just opened the freezer when the realization of where I was stared right back at me. There were only two left. TWO! Where had they all gone? Why so quickly? I felt a sadness in my heart as I closed the door and slowly walked over to the couch. I couldn’t believe this time had come so soon. I’d secretly longed for it, but still secretly hoped that it would take a while before this day arrived. Some of you won’t understand my pain, but others will.

I’m a huge proponent for nursing. I firmly believe it is the best thing for your baby and if you are capable of doing it, then you SHOULD be doing it. Not only does the milk pack nutrients it in you’d NEVER see from a formula, but it also creates that special bond between mother and child. I only nurse Henry once a day now just because my supply started drying up too quickly, but I relish in that once a day nursing when he’s ALL MINE. No one else is needed like I am and no one else can provide him what I can. I love those 15-20 minutes when he’s nursing and there’s no one else around us. I love the looks I receive, the tender caresses, and then the immediate nuzzles after he’s full. That’s my time and my time alone. Of course, I was spending a certain amount of time freezing milk as well, but those days have quickly dwindled. There are now only 2 bags of milk left and this has made me sad.

It’s not unfamiliar to me. I experienced this same wave of emotions with Davey. At times, I was conflicted. I was eager to get my body back so that I could get back into running (something that was difficult for quite a few months). I was anxious to have those times when my husband could get up with him at night and provide him a bottle. And while I was wishing for all this to occur, I was also hoping to be able to nurse him forever.

Now there’s a finality to seeing the last two bags of frozen milk. Yeah, I can still nurse him, even though it won’t be that much, but there’s no longer that “go to” bag awaiting. Mommy’s usefulness in this arena is slowing fading away and I am sad. I know I’m not the only mother who’s felt this way.

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