Come on! I’m not the first mom to say that and I won’t be the last, and I know that at some point most, if not all of you, had this thought cross through your mind even if only for a fleeting second and even if you never voiced it. You don’t have to voice it to me, either, but I don’t have a problem sharing my feelings with all of you.
So, no, it’s not an everyday feeling and “yes” it usually goes away pretty quickly, but the feeling does pop up at least once a week. Wait! Who am I kidding? The thought crosses my mind multiple times a week!
I have to remind myself and even ask others to remind me that this was God’s plan for me…to be a mother. It was His intention all along. What I don’t have to remind myself of is that it is a gift. I know it’s a gift. I don’t regret being a mom, but it’s nice to daydream about not being one.
Lately, I have to listen to an intense whining from Davey. This child used to fall down and pick himself back up. Now he wants to whine at the least little scratch, and he doesn’t just stop with scratches. Nothing seems to be immune from Davey’s whining. He whines when he wakes up. He whines while watching t.v. He whines while taking a bath. He whines when he’s eating his favorite food! He just whines all the time, couple that with his new found independence and he really makes me want to start drinking.
Last week at Disney World, he told me on multiple occasions that he didn’t want to ride any rides with me. He had to ride with his daddy. He actually told me I wasn’t allowed to ride any rides at all. Then he told me he didn’t like me and that Daddy was his best friend. I couldn’t hug him, I couldn’t smile at him, I couldn’t even look at him!
He wakes up most mornings crying in disappoint when he sees it’s me at the door and not his daddy. Way to make a mom feel special! I’m only the one who carried you for more than 9 months and have a scar to prove it! What a pain in the tush he is! He’s prone to spitting these days, waking up his little brother, throwing things, kicking things, running over me with his tricycle (on purpose), hitting me, and telling me that he doesn’t love me. So, yeah, a lot of days I wake up with the thought of, “I don’t want to be a mom.”
It’s the highlight of my life to have a child who unbuckles himself from his highchair and runs his cheeseball covered fingers all over my walls. I love the fact that I have an on and off issue with ants because my child likes to hide food all over the house! I’m elated that as soon as the door is opened he runs away like a caged animal and I have to chase after him, sometimes while carrying my other son.
I’m ecstatic that he runs into my flower beds and stomps all over my flowers. I jump cartwheels at the fact that he takes red crayons to my just cleaned hardwood floors, or that he purposely dumps his sippy cup full of juice all over my carpet. Not only is it wet, but it’s also sticky and my dog starts licking the carpet then ends up getting a hairball and pukes up whatever she’s had during the day so not only am I cleaning up sticky juice, but not stinky dog vomit. I don’t want to be a mom this day.
I jump for joy when Davey decides that today is the day that he’ll put play dough in his pockets and I don’t catch it when I’m putting clothes into wash. That was by far my most favorite…NOT!
But like most everything in life, when something bad happens, there is usually something to counteract that. After Davey told me this morning to go away and let Daddy come get him out of bed, he did tell me he loved me and that I could be his best friend. So, maybe today I do want to be a mom.
He did climb up into my lap after nap time and wrap my hair around his finger while stroking my cheek with his other hand and telling me loved me. Yeah, I think I do want to be a mom.
Like I said the moments are fleeting, but they are there. Being a mom isn’t always the grandest job. Some days I want to tell Davey to NEVER call me mama, but instead just use my real name. I don’t want the mom moniker. Most days; however, it’s not this bad. Today just wasn’t one of them.