At first, I was anxious for this time. I was eager to start getting back to some sort of normalcy at least with my body. I knew the day would come, but when Davey was first-born, the day seemed so far away. It almost seemed unattainable. Now it is quickly approaching. I don’t know if today is it, I think that’s highly unlikely, but it could be any day now and I have to admit it saddens me.
When I became pregnant, there was no question or second thought about whether I would breastfeed. I wanted to do it. I didn’t need scientific evidence that it was better for my child or psychological evidence that the bonding experience between mother and child seemed to quadruple. I didn’t need to hear any of that. I just knew that I was going to breastfeed.
For the first week, my milk was slow to come in and my son lost weight. My supply was able to rebound once I learned that it was based on supply and demand. So, I made sure to feed him as often as possible and/or to pump to feed him later. Quickly, my supply began to build up and I was able to thoroughly and completely satisfy my son’s hunger.
When I went back to work, I nursed Davey first thing in the morning, pumped three times a day, nursed him after work and if he woke up at night. I had a routine and even managed to freeze almost two months worth of milk. I’ve been preparing myself for this.
There were days when I would pump so much milk it was insane! I thought my supply would be around forever, and well I suppose it will be. The only way to stop the production of milk is to just stop nursing altogether, thus the law of supply and demand comes back into play. There’s no longer a demand for it, therefore no supply.
I’m still producing milk, it’s just that now it appears that I am no longer producing enough to satisfy Davey, which really hurts me. I know that he needs me for more than just milk, but I was the only one able to supply him with that. I was the only one who could quench that thirst and now I can’t do that anymore. A lump forms in my throat to know that the day is quickly arriving when Davey and I will no longer have this special mother/son bonding time. I don’t want to feed him cereals and solid foods. I don’t want him moving into adult foods and drinks. I guess what it boils down to is that I don’t want him to grow older. I want him to stay at this age.
I’m finding these past two weeks at home that I’m having to supplement my nursing with milk that I’ve already frozen. It hurts, but you do what you gotta do. I’m reminded of the following Bible verse turned into a 60s song by The Byrds. Everything has to change, it is life. Everyone must grow, I can’t stop that no matter how much I wish to freeze my son at this time and age right now.