Confessions of a SAHM

I have three degrees.   One is in English, another in Communications and Political Science, and finally a third in Business Administration.  My dreams were to be a corporate executive, to kick butt and take names.   Men were going to bow down to me and I was going to be the one to call the shots.  My all time favorite movie has always been Working Girl and I swore that one day I would be like Melanie Griffith.  Did I just admit to that?

I wanted to be devoid of all emotions, to shut it all out because emotions only get in the way, they cloud judgment and prevent accomplishments.  I was going to be successful and a shining star for the Feminist Movement.  Marriage wasn’t a priority and having a baby was NEVER in the stars.

Then after college and as I started climbing the corporate ladder, I saw so many strong women running corporations and offices, maintaining a career, while also being moms.   I thought, “I can do this too!  This is something I want.  After all, what if I’m missing out on something by being so rigid in my stance of not becoming a mother?”  So, I decided to just do it and Voila, Davey is here.

What I did not anticipate was conflicting feelings of guilt about not spending enough time with my son.  I didn’t expect to feel torn between a career and work.  I found I wasn’t giving enough attention to my career because I was constantly thinking about what I was missing with Davey and then even when I was with Davey I felt guilty because he still wasn’t getting my undivided attention because I was worried about who I was letting down at work. 

So, I did something I never thought I would do…became a stay at home mom, which I must confess is a LOT harder than people may think. 

Just because I don’t go into an office, doesn’t mean I get to sleep late.   Just because I don’t go to a job, doesn’t mean I’m not busting my rear.   My day isn’t 9-5, it’s midnight to midnight, non-stop, every day for the rest of my life.  Each day is different, each experience is new and exciting, each smile from Davey reassures me that I did the right thing.

Fashion no longer matters to me.  Most of my clothing is stained with poop or spit up or snot (because he sneezed and I was nowhere near a tissue, burp cloth or any sort of towel so I used my sleeve).   My hair is no longer fixed, I wear it in a pony tail even when I may want to go out in public (it’s best considering the fact that Davey reaches for everything and spits up at the slightest wisp of wind).   I once wore heels, now I’m in flats, as I’m afraid my lack of grace will cause me to fall when I’m carrying my son.   My life has done a complete 360, and while I may have days of wondering what’s going on in the outside world and what I gave up to be a SAHM, I don’t regret it. 

I have a friend, former SAHM, who once told me that being a mom is the most underappreciated occupation especially for those of us who need to hear that we’re doing good in life.   I laughed at her because I thought it didn’t matter, that I could make it through without needing to hear how wonderful of a job I’m doing.  I must confess, I find myself working hard every day to keep our house together, to raise our son, and to still find time to devote to my writing, and I miss hearing the words, “I appreciate you.  Good job!  Excellent work!  You’re so devoted.” 

Am I complaining about being a SAHM?  NOPE.  I highly encourage this occupation as it’s the hardest you’ll ever work in your life, but I wouldn’t be giving you all a fair shake if I didn’t at least say there are things in my former life I miss.